Stretch Marks

I have developed so many stretch marks on my body. Some darker, some more noticeable than others and some easier to hide. I hate them. I feel like my body has betrayed me for some reason even though it has done so much for me. I’m constantly battling for my life and my body decides to give me marks for an eating disorder I in no way want to deal with. Like thanks for the reminder, as if my weight gain wasn’t enough of one.

I used to be anorexic, and not I have binge eating disorder. In the last ten years I have gone up and down within a span of more than one hundred pounds. So of course my body is going to stretch out. I just feel insecure over the marks, like people are going to stare at me and judge me or not think I’m pretty. I’m not like a curvy model who still has flawless skin and can rock a bikini. My body isn’t for flaunting, as much as people will say don’t let others effect you. I feel like I’m being constantly judged because of my weight gain. if only people knew what was behind it all….

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

Weight Gain and Pictures

In the past year, I have gained a tremendous amount of weight. People say I still look good, but I don’t feel it at all. Every time I try on my shirt or look at my reflection I wish something different would be seen. It’s funny because I was looking through pictures of me from a few years ago, and I remember when they were taken, I thought I was heavy and overweight. Looking at them now, I can see my face was hollowed in and I had barely any curves. I remember exactly how I felt, which was insecure and that I needed to lose more weight.

Looking at pictures now, I still feel insecure and overweight but my head is in a different space. I think that as much as I like pictures, I’ve accepted that there are going to be times in my life where I am always going to think that I’m overweight regardless of my actual weight. I rather look at a picture and think “wow, I was really happy to share my memories with my friends” rather than wow, I need to lose more weight, I can see my stomach slightly bulging out.”  But of course, easier said than done.

I’m trying to learn that my weight doesn’t determine if I’m a good person or not. I’m really trying to not let it bother me. But why does it effect me so much? Is it because I used to be the size of a toothpick and I keep comparing? What is your experience with this?

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

I’m Back At It

I know I’ve been MIA for a while but boy, has shit come my way. Not to say there hasn’t been positives, but I’ve been really struggling. Binge Eating Disorder is a bitch. It’s not like you can stop cold turkey. You need to eat to survive, obviously. So it comes down to oh was that a binge, was that overeating, how much do I eat, what are the correct portions etc. My brain is exhausted of thinking of food, yet it’s something everyone needs to do multiple times on a daily basis.

I just binged about five minutes ago and of course feel like absolute shit. I needed a place to get it out so I turned to my blog. I realized just a few days ago was my one year anniversary of starting my first post. I can’t believe how time flies.

I need encouragement, inspiration, words of advice or literally anything to help keep my fire burning.

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

The Depression is Calling…

I’m depressed again and I don’t know why. Somehow when this happens, I feel the need to find a significant other. Maybe I think that it will help with my depression or maybe I just need that close connection. I feel like something is missing in my life. I don’t know whether it’s the BPD or if I really am lacking something.

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

Fight or Let Go?

When do you know when to fight for something or just let go? 

I’m one to fight but at times I should’ve let go. I think fighting for something is one of the hardest things. I feel like you need to evaluate how much that thing is worth that you’re fighting for. But sometimes if something is worth it, sometimes it’s best to just let go. 

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat