Author: stigmasaywhat

Dear Diary

I never realized this but looking back at my previous posts, this blog is almost like a diary for me. Except i have people reading it…. It’s actually quite amazing how much a person can change in their lifetime and what different events can happen. A little anxiety provoking, but nonetheless also very exciting. I just really want to help someone. I know what a shit hole mental illness can be and feel like, so I’m writing my experiences to say that you’re not alone. And there are millions of us just like you. Some like to keep it quieter than others, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Break the stigma.

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

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Scrapes and Bruises

I had a moment which i never really had. I looked down at my stretch marks, smiled and felt beyond proud of myself. I have overcome so much in life and the stretch marks are a reminder of that. They remind me of what tried to put an end to me, but ultimately, I put an end to it. For some reason they show me how badass I am for having gone through so much shit, and still being able to come out alive.

When you go through a rocky trail, you’re bound to get a few scrapes and bruises. I’ve been through one hell of a rocky trail and my stretch marks are my scrapes and bruises. They tell a story, my story. I’m the only one who gets to tell the story of my trail. What has your trail said?

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

Choices

It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Things have been good, and I mean really good. Of course I have my shitty days and shitty moods still, but who doesn’t? I’ve realized that as much as mental illness isn’t your choice to have, you still have the choice of which direction your life is going. Despite it all, you can still choose to do something great with yourself. It doesn’t have to be great for me, great for your friend, great for your mentor, it just has to be great for you.

I’ve worked my ass off trying to build a life not based on any labels I’ve been given. And you know what? It feels real good. I challenge you to do something for yourself that you’ve always wanted to do. Big or small, who cares. It’s the little things that matter.

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

 

Stretch Marks

I have developed so many stretch marks on my body. Some darker, some more noticeable than others and some easier to hide. I hate them. I feel like my body has betrayed me for some reason even though it has done so much for me. I’m constantly battling for my life and my body decides to give me marks for an eating disorder I in no way want to deal with. Like thanks for the reminder, as if my weight gain wasn’t enough of one.

I use to be anorexic, and now I have binge eating disorder. In the last ten years I have gone up and down within a span of more than one hundred pounds. So of course my body is going to stretch out. I just feel insecure over the marks, like people are going to stare at me and judge me or not think I’m pretty. I’m not like a curvy model who still has flawless skin and can rock a bikini. My body isn’t for flaunting, as much as people will say don’t let others effect you. I feel like I’m being constantly judged because of my weight gain. if only people knew what was behind it all….

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

Weight Gain and Pictures

In the past year, I have gained a tremendous amount of weight. People say I still look good, but I don’t feel it at all. Every time I try on my shirt or look at my reflection I wish something different would be seen. It’s funny because I was looking through pictures of me from a few years ago, and I remember when they were taken, I thought I was heavy and overweight. Looking at them now, I can see my face was hollowed in and I had barely any curves. I remember exactly how I felt, which was insecure and that I needed to lose more weight.

Looking at pictures now, I still feel insecure and overweight but my head is in a different space. I think that as much as I like pictures, I’ve accepted that there are going to be times in my life where I am always going to think that I’m overweight regardless of my actual weight. I rather look at a picture and think “wow, I was really happy to share my memories with my friends” rather than wow, I need to lose more weight, I can see my stomach slightly bulging out.”  But of course, easier said than done.

I’m trying to learn that my weight doesn’t determine if I’m a good person or not. I’m really trying to not let it bother me. But why does it effect me so much? Is it because I used to be the size of a toothpick and I keep comparing? What is your experience with this?

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat

I’m Back At It

I know I’ve been MIA for a while but boy, has shit come my way. Not to say there hasn’t been positives, but I’ve been really struggling. Binge Eating Disorder is a bitch. It’s not like you can stop cold turkey. You need to eat to survive, obviously. So it comes down to oh was that a binge, was that overeating, how much do I eat, what are the correct portions etc. My brain is exhausted of thinking of food, yet it’s something everyone needs to do multiple times on a daily basis.

I just binged about five minutes ago and of course feel like absolute shit. I needed a place to get it out so I turned to my blog. I realized just a few days ago was my one year anniversary of starting my first post. I can’t believe how time flies.

I need encouragement, inspiration, words of advice or literally anything to help keep my fire burning.

Yours Truly,

Stigmasaywhat